There is nothing more scary than that white space sat in front of you. Whether a page, a canvas, a wall, the daunting presence of a blank void waiting to be filled can wreck us with nerves and anxiety. I have recently (and to be honest still am) experiencing the fear of the white void.
I have always had trouble finding a coping mechanism for my mental health. On top of that, I am the absolute worst for impostor syndrome - to the point that I will stop doing anything and everything I have been enjoying working on because of this. I can be proud for a day over a piece of art I make, but after a week, the work isn't good enough - why did I even bother doing it - leave this type of stuff to the professionals - all start swirling around in this messy head of mine.
I know I am not alone in this. Impostor syndrome and media overload is one of the main causes for burnout in artists online. My main go to for social media is Instagram - land of the hyper edited beautiful loveliness; full of aesthetically pleasing flat lays, wonderful art, edited selfies and snap shots into peoples lives (but only what we want you to see obviously!)
My impostor syndrome comes out worse when I am in a poor head space. I had it really bad in the summer of 2018 when I was going through a rough time at work (I had two jobs, let alone my own art business), and I didn't have the professional support that I clearly desperately needed. During this time, I stepped away from my art studio, stepped away from my position of Project Manager at my studio, moved into my parents conservatory to use as an art studio, and then didn't leave my bed for nearly a month. Overtime I started to creep out of my bed and into the new "studio" where I tried my best to work during the daylight hours. It wasn't great, I felt intrusive in the space, and the heat in the summer was just unbearable! It was time for change.
Over 2019 I squirrelled away my earnings from my summer job and by the November I was able to purchase a small insulated garden room to call my own. It took a long time for the new studio to arrive, but once it did, boy was it installed fast. It took 3 weeks for me to get the inside prepped, painted, floored and filled in order for me to work, but it was so worth it. At the end of the 3 weeks I gave myself the weekend to just sit an appreciate the space, knowing that on the Monday when I went in, this space was mine. I could work in peace, I would not be a burden or be intruding on another's space. This was mine and I was so happy.
But on the Monday when I went in, impostor syndrome hit like a tonne of bricks. I could have cried! My head said "you aren't worth this space, what makes you so special," and the blank walls awaiting to be filled suddenly became daunting. I wanted so badly to make art and I just couldn't. My hand didn't work and my brain also seemed to have shut off. That Monday I sat and spent the whole day in my chair, staring into space and feeling panic and anxiety swirling up inside me.
I decided to take a step back, work through this problem and try my best to not overcome (because I don't know how to) but work with it instead. I read through my old journals and notebooks, re-experienced my thoughts and feelings of my art and ideas, and write out fresh notes. I did this for two days, cementing my wants in ink, internalising my thoughts, and finally I was ready to pick up my pencil.
The first piece I created was just a simple pencil sketch, but I have never been so proud of a drawing. My confidence flowed back into me and for now at least, the impostor syndrome is just sat in the background. I know it will always be lurking in the background, waiting to strike. But for now, I am less scared to enter the studio and create. I hope this post will also help others who are also struggling. We can do this together!
Morven
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